i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
