I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
