I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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