i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
