I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
