Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
