chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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