My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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