Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
