I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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