I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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