I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
