i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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