i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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