I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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