and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
