how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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