Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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