I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
