They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
