My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
