just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
