you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
