meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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