new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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