Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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