a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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