I heard we made out
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Acid is not a monday night drug
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize