You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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