do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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