I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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