If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You've changed since you got that strap on
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