found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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