six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
