On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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