First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
