I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
