ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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