Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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