I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
