I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
