Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
