Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
