And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
