Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
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