so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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