Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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