why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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