I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
