the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
