Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
