he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
