I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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