I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
