the new term for farting is butt boxing.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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