Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
