good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
